President, Strategic Communications, LLC

Friday, November 9, 2012

New Media Relations Rules for Future Candidates

Now that the election is over, here are a few new rules (with apologies to Bill Maher) for future candidates and their media relations sherpas:

New Rule: In an interview, debate or conversation NEVER say anything you would not want your mother to see on the first page of her morning paper.

New Rule: Whether you are gay, straight, transgender or bi-sexual, a CIA Director, Army General, Governor, Senator or Member of the House of Representatives, if you plan to run for office or hold high office, take off your pants for your spouse or companion and your doctor, and nobody else. No one but Bill Clinton can carry off multiple infidelities and come back.

New Rule: Know your shit. "Oops" is not an acceptable third message point, no matter what Texas Governor Rick Perry says to the contrary.

New Rule: In a debate, when your opponent says, "Governor, please proceed...," SLAM ON THE BRAKES, shut your mouth, breathe and turn around to see the knife that is just about to stab you in your heart.

New Rule: When an interviewer or opponent includes "bayonets and horses" immediately step back from the question. Do not walk into the issue.

New Rule: Answer the damn question, before leaping into your memorized message point, it's not that hard. It's "yes that's right," or "No, that's wrong and let me tell you why," or "That's an excellent question, let me get back to you." Only POTUS has the right to ignore your question as Marine One prepares for takeoff from the South lawn of The White House.

New Rule: Under no circumstance try to change Newton's law of motion -- that’s the one about creating an equal and opposite reaction, just in case you skipped that class in college. If you try to suppress the vote, the people whose vote is threatened will come out in mass numbers and kill you at the voting booth.

New Rule: If you are going to lie, stick to it. Do NOT flip-flop, waffle, walk back, or try to parse, your words. The correct answer is, "That's what I said and I am sticking to it." The only exception is when you really fuck up and then you say "I am sorry, my staff gave me bad information."

New Rule: If you are an old, angry, rich white guy, just forget about running for national office AND if you are a old, angry, rich white guy forget about giving ANYBODY millions of dollars in contributions, except a legitimate charity.

Strategic Communications, LLC is prepared to work with you now for a modest amount to help you master these new rules. And, I am more than willing to work with you for a whole lot more money, if you ignore these rules.

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